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Author Topic: How to raise an emotionally intelligent child  (Read 7255 times) Digg del.icio.us
Kyles Mom
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« on: March 19, 2009, 07:10:22 AM »

How to raise an emotionally intelligent child

Toddlers bring new meaning to the word "mercurial." One moment your child is king of the world, running around full of glee; the next he's a raging bull, crying in utter frustration and hurling his toys across the room. Like many parents, you may find it hard to know just how to respond during these trying times.

Experts believe that these childhood meltdowns are the best opportunities to teach your child at an early age — when he's making leaps and bounds in his emotional growth — how to manage strong feelings and calm himself down. And the secure circle of the family is the first and best place to teach these life lessons.

In his book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, psychologist John Gottman says that when you help your child understand and handle overwhelming feelings such as anger, frustration, or confusion, you develop his emotional intelligence quotient, or emotional IQ.

And, says Gottman, a child with a high emotional IQ is better able to cope with his feelings, can bring himself down from emotional high-wire acts, understands and relates well with others, and can form strong friendships more easily than a child with a lower emotional IQ.

Other experts have joined the chorus, touting the role of emotional IQ in helping children become confident, responsible, and successful adults who navigate skillfully through interpersonal relationships.

How can you help raise your child's emotional IQ? Gottman teaches a tactic he calls "emotion coaching," a series of steps you can use to teach your child to analyze feelings and handle conflict. Here's how it works:

Listen with empathy.
Pay close attention to your child when he says how he feels, then mirror what he's shared back to him. If you suspect that your child feels abandoned because you've been spending lots of time with the new baby, for example, ask him if that's what's going on. If he agrees, you can say, "You're right. Mommy's been really busy with the baby."

Then, use examples from your own life to show him you understand what he's said. Tell him about how you felt when your own sibling got to go to the amusement park with your father and you didn't, and how your own mom or dad made you feel better. This tells your child that everyone has these feelings, and that they will pass.

Help your child name his feelings.
With limited vocabulary and rudimentary understanding of cause and effect, toddlers often have trouble describing what they feel. You can encourage your child to build an emotional vocabulary by giving him labels for his feelings. If he's acting disappointed about not being able to go to the park, you might say, "You feel sad about that, don't you?"

You can also let him know that it's normal to have conflicting emotions about something — for instance, he may be both excited and scared during his first week at daycare.

If your child seems sad or upset for no immediate reason, try looking at the big picture and thinking about what might be troubling him. Have you moved recently? Did you and your spouse have an argument in his presence? If you're not sure what's going on, watch and listen to him while he plays. If he makes the Mommy doll shout a lot, you'll have a pretty good idea what's bothering him.

Validate your child's emotions.
Instead of saying, "There's no reason to get so upset" when your child gets mad and throws a tantrum because he's unable to put together a puzzle, acknowledge how natural his reaction is. Say, "It's really frustrating when you can't finish a puzzle, isn't it?" Telling him his reactions are inappropriate or excessive will make him feel as if he should muzzle them.

Turn tantrums into teaching tools.
If your child gets upset when he hears that he has an appointment with the dentist, help him feel in control by preparing for the visit. Talk with him about why he's afraid, what he can expect during the visit, and why he needs to go. Tell him about a time you had stage fright before a recital or were scared to start a new job and one of your friends made you feel better. Talking through emotions works the same way for children as it does for most adults.

Use conflicts to teach problem-solving.
When your toddler goes head-to-head with you or another child, make his limits clear, then guide him toward a solution. For example, you can say, "I know you're upset with your sister for knocking over your block tower, but you can't hit her. What else can you do if you get mad?"

If your child doesn't have any ideas, give him options. Anger management specialist Lynne Namka advises telling your child to first check his tummy, jaw, and fists to see if they're tight, breathe deeply "to blow the mad out," and to feel good about recovering control. Then, Namka says, help your child use a strong voice to talk his anger out, beginning with something like, "I feel mad when you yell like that." Children should know that it's okay to be angry, as long as they don't hurt other people for that reason.

Set an example by staying calm.
You'll also want to check how you react to your child's display of emotions. It's important not to be verbally harsh when you're angry. Try saying, "It upsets me when you do that," rather than "You make me crazy," so your child understands that the problem is his behavior, not him. Be careful to avoid excessive criticism, which tends to chip away at a child's self-confidence.

And above all else, stay in touch with your own feelings. Some parents ignore their own negative emotions, hoping to spare their children discomfort or difficulty. But hiding your real feelings will only confuse your child. By acknowledging that you're displeased without acting upset, for instance, you show your child that even difficult feelings can be managed.

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« Last Edit: March 19, 2009, 07:31:32 AM by Kyles Mom » Logged
Kimba15
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« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2009, 09:31:23 AM »

Thanks for the article KylesMom.

It is an important reminder to me that even though we are raising highly intelligent child that it is also important that we help her to keep their emotions in check.

I have certainly seen highly intelligent adults go down the gurgler and destroy their lives because they could not keep their emotions under control or didn't know how to deal with the feelings that they have.

So a big thank you to you and a karma point as well.

Kimbaxx

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jemjem
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« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2009, 03:04:48 PM »

Thanks a lot Kyles Mom  smile

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« Reply #3 on: March 19, 2009, 04:33:01 PM »

wonderful article. Very helpful. It is really important to raise an emotionally balanced child. It forms a great foundation for their future, a person that's not balanced emotionally no matter how much knowledge they have might not get very far. Thanks

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raisingethan
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« Reply #4 on: April 14, 2009, 06:13:11 PM »

great article, thanks for sharing!

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ZaJa
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« Reply #5 on: August 22, 2009, 03:25:27 AM »

Thanks so much Kyles Mom for  taking time to post this...

My 2-year old son gets frustrated or angry when he doesn't get his way and shouts his lungs out. He screams so loud that I get so worried at times. I talk to him in a firm voice and sometimes he calms down and sometimes he doesn't. I will apply the things you mentioned below.

Thanks!

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« Reply #6 on: August 22, 2009, 03:58:50 AM »

Yes, thanks.  Great advice.  I have a 6 yr old who has been a bit defiant lately when he doesn't get his way.  I usually put him in timeout and/or hold his beloved toys hostage in my closet until he behaves respectfully.  I can't wait to try a new approach based on this advice tomorrow.  Now I just need a cure for my 2 yr old daughter who whines alot. 

Karma, Lori

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« Reply #7 on: August 29, 2019, 11:33:00 AM »

A good alternative is a TOWER plan. I saw it a couple of months ago on Community Today. I know it's an old topic, but I was just searching for different variants and thought it could be useful.
The plan:
Talking
Order
Wising up
Encouragement
Reading



How to raise an erudite child: tower plan by Joseph Green and Samantha Wilson on essay dune today



« Last Edit: August 29, 2019, 11:34:31 AM by StefanAlbrecht » Logged
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